A Beautiful Noise - 1/12 to 1/14/00

The shock was a good shock, but we were somber too. I had been spotting heavily a few days before and thought I'd had a light period. CD knew that. We were scared, and quiet. I called my friend M. on the cell phone during the morning commute. I told her what was going on and she urged me to call my doctor. So I did, but the the nurse on duty told me that my usual doctor was in the process of retiring (NOW?!?) and wasn't around. She would have to hunt down another doctor for me. I got to work about an hour later (argh I was working in the far west suburbs!) and immediately as I sat down, the nurse called and told me she had found someone who could see me. I stood back up and walked out the door. An hour and a half later, CD and I met with Dr. S. CD held my hand as Dr. S did an internal exam as well as ordering several others. We made light talk, until Dr. S was done doing everything he needed to do. Then he sat us down and explained to us that although I was pregnant, I was also bleeding and cramping in such a way that lead him to believe that my body was not supporting the pregnancy. He gave us a handout and told us that if we hadn't taken the pregnancy test, it was possible I would never have known I was pregnant - aprox. 1 out of 10 pregnancies end up in "silent miscarriages". I knew the drill, but this was CD's first experience with the "it doesn't always go well" world. The world in which you can be a little bit pregnant. The world where no matter what we wanted, there was little we could do. Dr. S scheduled an Ultrasound for us for later in the week. We went home with our "So, you've had a miscarriage" handout; angry, quiet, at turns telling each other it was fine. CD gently tucked me into the couch with my legs up. We didn't have a conversation. We just waited. After two brutal days and nights of spotting and cramping and crying, we reported to the local hospital for the Ultrasound. The technician made CD wait outside while he searched for the fetus. Once he found it (A jellybean, really), they let CD in and tried to get heart sounds. Sure enough, they found them. We just hung on and listened to the beautiful noise and cried. That was our baby...we were still, amazingly, beautifully pregnant!