Just a song before I go

It's an unspoken rule. Weekends are for pancakes and bacon, for the cuddle-tickle-squeal, for the hammer and nails adventures of being a family. It's just the three of us; we hang on tight. We try and turn off the computers, the books, the televisions, the things that put walls between us... We try and turn up the music, and dance. That said, it's late and Corporate Daddy is pulling an all-nighter at work. Bear's asleep. I'm alone, trying to catch a breeze from the window by my computer. I was stewing earlier, but I'm settled now. Is there anyone who still believes that relationships should be easy? That love should be effortless? That somehow, there really is a fairy tale out there? Because, really, we know it's not true. We know that the exquisite moments captured in a Kate Bush song only come along a handful of times. We know that much more familiar is the blood and sweat, the angry swipes at each other's egos, the stubbornness that comes from fear, tiredness, that feeling that your sacrifice was somehow deeper today than theirs. Sometimes it's so damn hard. And sometimes, we give up and love ends, and becomes something that resides in the past and not in that first breath of awakeness every morning. See, I'm a Scorpio, which many people call a lusty sign and I won't deny it. I crave love, and passsion, and loyalty. And I'm also a loner, by nature. Put those together and you got to know that I am hell on wheels in a relationship. I can probably get some testimonials, but what with the therapy and the witness protection programs... well, all right, just take my word on it. There are times that I get so frustrated with living life so intimately, completely entwined with other human beings, and I dip into anger. It's like trying to make my way down the road of life, except now I'm doing it in a 3-legged race. Yeah, I signed up for it. But, to mix a whole hell of a lot of metaphors, every once in a while my brain gets a kung fu chop from my emotions and suddenly rationality isn't behind the wheel any more. There's this song that helps. From a relationship long ago. It had been a passionate partnership, but not happy. We'd been friends of a kind, but we weren't kind to each other. Then, deep in the dark of a long ago night, we ended it. We shared one of his cigarettes, passing it back and forth as we pretended that there would be some better time for us. He tried to soften what was happening with poetry. He quoted the lyrics to an old 80's song. Suddenly I knew. I knew listening to him use words of love that it was lost to us. I began to deeply doubt that we'd ever had it. By the end, we both felt like we were being taken advantage of - which is a neat trick. But it isn't love. And when morning came, he'd made his decision and I had made mine. And for the very first time, we agreed. So now, when my husband and I wrap ourselves in stubborn and stare each other down, I can come in here and turn on that old 80's song. And somehow my heart relents. It earns my husband's bemused look sometimes. I get that it's hard to understand. But that song, the guitar lilting. True, it's no "Sweet Home Alabama" - but it really does make me smile. Because as hard as it gets now - as deep as we need to reach down into ourselves to solve the problems that tumble into our path -I look at my life today and know unequivocally that this is love. Love the noun and love the verb. I am better for being married to him. With him, my dream of family came true. With him, my life is richer and my purpose is anchored. Together with Bear, we go for long walks in the sun. Yeah, all that from a song. Good night, and good weekend.