The Path to Supersecret Government Clearance, or; Dance, even if I'm fat

In this post 9/11 world, government clearances have become more commonly required and harder to obtain for many jobs for or in partnership with the government. The GAO reports some of the FBI's progress in dealing with the now-infamous backlog this heightened demand has created. But, for those of us for whom it could ever be a possibility there is something more nerve-wracking than the long waiting period. It's called a "lifestyle polygraph" test. I was talking with a guy, Leif, who has already been through it. Leif said: You might fail the first time. Most do. I did. Nerves. Me: OK L: Really. Me: I heard you. L: The thing is, they ask you about everything. They have this risk criteria, and it involves... Me: Makes sense. L: You're not afraid? Me: Are you kidding? I'm already shaking. I'm thinking of buying some Depends for the occasion. But it will be fine. L: I want to warn you, most people don't pass, Elizabeth. It took me two times. There is some prep you can do, internally... it helped me. But it's not something you want to go through if you think that you might fail for some reason. Me: Look, Leif - are you asking if I've stolen, lied, been slothful, envious, wrong, careless, broken the law, had speeding tickets, been incarcerated, broken a promise, left a debt unpaid, or betrayed a confidence? Me: I have, all of them. Leif: Then we should discuss alternatives to this - Me: But Leif, I don't think the United States Government is going to withhold clearance because I burned some picture CD's after hours at work or discovered years later that one of my doctors was still owed a balance. Me: I can be trusted; that's proven that over a lifetime. The rest of it? Penny ante crap. I don't have a deep dark secret life. My biggest shame is out there for the world to see. Leif: What do you mean? Me: Well, I'm fat. Leif: I don't understand. Me: My whole life, I've been afraid of being fat. Actually, until I was 18 I never was - I have a soft look but was always a normal weight and size. Throughout my 20's I battled losing and gaining about 25 pounds. Between a size 8/10 through a 12/14. I lived in terror, though. My whole family had been warning me about my genetics since I could remember. Leif: Look, this is none of my - Me: I remember dancing in the North Sea with my British soldier boyfriend. Feeling gorgeous and free. Leif: Really, this - Me: Then when I was 31, I met Corporate Daddy and well, love and a good steak and no more nightly swims in the hotel pool. When I got pregnant, I was a size 16. It was frightening. Leif: OK, I have to - Me: But it was the 7 months of bedrest that did me in. After Bear was born, I actually weighed less than when I got pregnant. Because I had lost all my heavy muscle. Me: I couldn't walk up the stairs without breathing hard. I didn't realized how many calories I was burning while breastfeeding, so when I - Leif: TOO MUCH INFOR - ! Me: The point is, that I am struggling into size 20's. I am 70 pounds over my target weight. I look in the mirror and scare myself. And that's my cross and my challenge but it's not going to get in the way of government clearance. Leif: OK. Can I ask you something? Me: Sure. Leif: What are you doing about it? They've got this surgery... Me: No, I'm not there yet. I have faith still that I can manage my weight into acceptable parameters without taking that risk. So I work out, at a place called Curves. I eat sensibly. I'm learning what foods I crave and what foods I need. I've lost 2 BMI points in the last few months. Leif: So why so hard on yourself? Me: I am very connected to my body. It's hard to have fat be in the way of how I move. It's hard not to be pretty. It's hard not to have the stamina to do the things I love. Leif: But you can still do them? Me: Yes. Yes, I still swim with my son and make out with my husband and run around the playground and meet with my customers and fly for work. Me: And I still dance.

Leif: OK, then.

Me: Yeah, OK. Hey, Leif - ?

Leif: Yes?

Me: Thanks.

Leif: No problem.